Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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