it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
