The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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