I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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