Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
