I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
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I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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