Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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