I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
