You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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