he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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