This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
