Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
