Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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