Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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