I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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