I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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