Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
