I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Randomize
