ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
