I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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