She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize