totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
