You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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