My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
