just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home