Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said