I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
