I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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