I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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