how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
