I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
