Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize