I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
