Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
