So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
