He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
