tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
