He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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