Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
