how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
