I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
