why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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