i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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