So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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