were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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