Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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