This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
