Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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