I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
