U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
