Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
