I'm gonna have a badass scar
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
