My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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