So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
