my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
