i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
